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Corporate Churn

1181 words by attila written on 2022-11-21, last edit: 2022-11-24, tags: ai, corp, dystopia, privacy, writing ⋔ Previous post: ttyplotisms: the journey continues ⋔ Next post: Too Much Karate in my Tai Chi

The C-suite at ShinyPants.Fart just paid a $boatload of money to install a new AI and tweak its models to perfection.

The AI, designed by ubusters.hope (an Israeli firm), is designed to maintain churn at the low-to-mid level employees for corporates of any size over 100 employees. Employees who rise through the ranks regardless may make it up to the management levels that are immune from Thee Algorithym.

Otherwise, you're in the soup. Here's how it works:

The AI first must learn the "rules" that supposedly "govern" the corporate's behavior with regards to employees and employment. What country/ies is it in? What are all the rules in all those places about how you can hire and fire employees? Like in this country here you only need how many negative reviews? Summary firing is OK? Must be arbitrated if over a certain seniority level?

Whatever. This is the AI's wheelhouse. They call it Churn. Churn can chew all that stuff up. Laws. Labor relations codes. Arbitrations. It will download case records from arbitration hearings and parse them, suss them, load them into its data model, which it itself evolves. It has an open-ended graph-based architecture that allows it to encompass entire conceptual domains nearly automatically.

Nearly, of course. Nothing is perfect. Every Churn installation comes with its own human Lector; they just say "Harry Boffinpants is here from UB Lectoring our beta Churn, please give him a warm welcome" for instance.

The Lector decides what goes in and to a large degree what comes out. There is a process, not a transparent one, quite a secret one in fact involving the entire C-suite of the corporate, where problematic cases are hashed out, but the Lector is the gate-keeper.

For the most part, though, once the fiddling is over and there is a baseline model for the corporate that works in all domains, you just let your Churn burn on automatic; if you're at least at 1k employees (ShinyPants.Fart almost does) that's more than enough "space" in which to create the desired effect.

... and what is the desired effect? It can have many dimensions, but the main goal is to make union organizing impossible. Identify the problems and push them out by whatever means, chuck out randos for noise, keep pulling in new fodder for Churn to burn through while the corporate steals their wages and extracts all the surplus value it can carry from their tender bodies.

Secondary goals can include: minimize healthcare costs by passing on potentials with issues before they ever even apply. Or, a corporate fave, maintain percentage breakdows on who ever makes it into immunity. You know: 99% white men, everyone else can fight over the remaining one percent... or, OK, after hours of heated argument behind closed doors after the first covenants had been signed some damned SJW "activist" CTO manages to negotiate it up to five percent.

What a hero. If they talk about Churn to anyone ever lawyers will literally parachute from the sky with armed IDF thugs as backup. This makes them feel like they're oppressed, but no, my dude: you're just another overpaid oppressor playing the Legitimate Opposition to complete the personae dramatis. Once they quit in disgust, a career of Talking About This Shit On Panels For An Honorarium opens up to them, like magic. They can even become a counter-cultural icon so long as its kept in the coffee houses. Despite being vehemently opposed to The Churn and all it represents since forever their income level never even dips.

I mean FUCK the cost of living am I right? Corporates will always light their cigars with five dollar bills or their moral equivalent, let the little people fight it out for cans of cat food.

It's not just about hiring and firing, Churn is watching everything that happens in the corporate. This is why the whole C-suite is involved: the CISO has to basically give UB total access to everything and break every law governing such things in the process. All the emails. All the texts. All the zoom calls. Everything.

But don't worry: this is actually part of UBuster's business model. It's a bit like the paedophile rings that have been exposed at the "highest" levels of our "society" - nothing happens to them and once they manage to get you wet you are theirs forever.

So yeah, you have to break "the law" to install a Churn properly, but as the Lector will patiently explain to you, that's just because it's what's best. In the end, for a mid-to-large sized corporate, once Churn is in, your labor problems are basically solved. Forever. If it turns out years later that you broke the law, will anyone care? About the lost opportunities to unionze your corrupt ass?

No way. Everyone who made those decisions will be playing golf and getting laid until they pop. Churn will do that.

But wait, there's more, because that's not the end of UB's business model, it's just the beginning. Your Churn has an entire subsystem, really it's almost a whole separate AI, dedicated to interfacing with other Churns. If you enable this and join UB's "Forever Club" then all of the employees you hire and fire will become known to all the other members of the club. Are they pro-union? Do they cause trouble at meetings? Why were they really fired from their last 3 jobs?

You see, once you're in the club there's no going back, so why not go all the way? Now your 10k employees added to The Club's 300k employees starts to look like something the C-Suite can count on Forever.

It's not just about getting rid of problems, either, it's also about actively identifying and recruiting ever newer, more pliant talent by using existing employees' social media etc. Churn will pit sister against sister, if necessary, to find that perfect greeter, that most obediant line worker. Recruiters are given hundreds of dossiers per quarter.

However when it gets down to firing, and you know it will, the C-suite is all: what if we have to go to court? It does happen to even the the most exalted corporates, after all.

Yes, it does. This is also Churn's wheelhouse. It will brief your legal teams, prepare filings, manage all of their calendars, analyze all previous cases to choose the strategy (and/or judge) most likely to result in a win. Its like a hundred buzzing, skipping, running paralegals that know everyhing, work 24 hours a day and don't need to be told they did a good job.

So: if you get hauled into court, you never lose, but you probably won't ever get to court because, once again, you never lose. This is what being a corporate was SUPPOSED to be like, right?